I feel anxious about writing about my anxiety

As you've probably already gathered, this post is all about my experience of anxiety. Now i understand that everyone is different and people experience things in different ways; this is just my own experience of suffering with anxiety. Anxiety comes in lots of different forms and can be triggered by lots of different things; going outside, being in a crowd of people, being the centre of attention. For me, anxiety is a constant nagging in the back of my mind that is permanently there. A lot of the time i'm quite good at ignoring it; I'm aware that it's there but i don't let it affect my day-to-day life. This can be an extremely difficult thing for a lot of people and i am grateful that for the majority of the time i am able to get on with my life. I think people who do not suffer from anxiety issues find it quite hard to understand why, for example, leaving your room may be difficult at times. As with most things in life, if you haven't experienced them yourself or know someone who has, it can be hard to understand. As the Mental Health Awareness Week's theme this year is anxiety, i figured i'd write a post about it. Anxiety is a funny thing as you are aware that what you are thinking is irrational and yet you can't help but think that way. For example, my dad is a pilot and every time he goes to work i think 'What if the plane crashes?' Now this is an irrational thought as statistically flying is the safest form of travel. I know that this is irrational, i know that the chances of anything happening to him are slim, but the thought is still there. 'What-iffing' is one of my anxiety's favourite things to do. I am constantly thinking about things that may or may not happen, despite how irrational they may seem. 'What if i get run over on my way to uni?' 'What if Mum crashes the car on her way to work?' 'What if I fail uni and then never get a job?' 'What if a member of my family suddenly dies?' The list goes on and on and consists of many different things, some more understandable than others. Another one i am particularly good at is mind reading; this is where you think you know what everyone is thinking (even though it's quite clearly impossible to know what someone is thinking). Every time i walk into uni, i think that everyone is looking at me and judging me or judging what i'm wearing. If i am having a bad day, this can (and has) stopped me from going into uni. And it's strange because i know that no one really cares about how i look or what i'm wearing, and even if they do, so what? As one of my councillors once said to me "You're not Madonna so why would they be looking at you?" And this is very true but it doesn't stop me thinking it. And it doesn't stop the tingling i get in my palms when i feel anxious (that i have right now as i'm writing this, hence the title). Another favourite, which is linked closely to 'what-iffing' is my ability to fortune tell. This is where i think i know exactly what is going to happen and, in most cases, it is often the worst case scenario. An example of this was when my granny told me that she had breast cancer. I immediately jumped to the worst case scenario that she would never get better and i would never see her again. I knew that they had caught it early and that she was starting treatment soon, and i even knew that the rates of beating breast cancer are extremely high these days. However, all i could do was begin fortune telling; creating the worst possible scenario in my head where she would die. Needless to say, my granny is fit and healthy, they removed the lump and there are no signs of the cancer anywhere else. Now perhaps this case is slightly more understandable than others, but none of the rest of my family panicked as i did. They all knew that as it had been caught so early, she was going to be fine. It is situations like these where people who suffer from anxiety are vulnerable and perhaps need more support than those who do not. Everyone gets anxious at times, whether it's because you are about to take exams or have a job interview or a dentist's appointment. However, imagine how it must feel like for you to constantly have that feeling of anxiety, the 'butterflies in your stomach', sweaty palms, nervousness you feel. For those of us who live with anxiety, that is what it is like. And at times, it can be extremely tiring and frustrating. We are well aware of the fact that how we are thinking is irrational, and yet, there is nothing we can do to stop it (I say 'nothing', of course there are lots of treatment methods but it takes a certain amount of courage in order to seek help and a lot of the time people don't and struggle through it) I've just realised that i sound a bit preachy at the end, sorry for that, but i do feel quite strongly about raising awareness for mental health as i think a lot of people don't understand. And i think it is hard for you to realise that some people can't 'just get over it' or 'stop thinking about it'. Hopefully, during Mental Health Awareness Week (May 12th-18th) this will change. Now, excuse me as i hit 'publish' before hiding under my duvet for the rest of the day!

The hopeless case

Another rant-ish post, although this is more directed at myself than at anyone in particular. As i mentioned before, I'm in my final year at uni. This means that the deadlines i have this year are extremely important compared to ones i've had in the past. Of course, you always try your best because all deadlines are important and doing the bare minimum is not how you move forward in life….(if i was Pinocchio, my nose would be 10 feet long after saying that…but shhhh..) Anyway, Thursday is my deadline for my dissertation (or 'Research Project' as it's called in Psychology, don't ask me why, i have no idea. I think they told us at the start of the year, but hey, that was like 8 months ago) Now i am one of those people who find it very difficult to do any work ahead of schedule. I also follow the thought of 'Minimum input, maximum output'. I find it physically impossible to begin working on something unless i know i have 2 hours until it needs to be handed in. Ok, that's an exaggeration but you know what i mean. If an essay is due in for March 21st, you can guarantee that i won't begin working on it until March 19th (or sometimes even March 20th at 11pm). Now over my many years of education, you'd think that i would have learnt from this and realised that it's not a great idea to leave things to the last minute. Especially when they are important, like getting the right grades to get into uni. Or in this case, getting a decent degree (which is at least a 2:1 for me otherwise i'm pretty much screwed). But as hard as i try and no matter how many good intentions i have, i can never seem to do it. Don't get me wrong, i have nearly finished my dissertation (nearly being the key word). And even if i have nearly finished it, it's probably not to the 'best of my abilities' as they always say you should do. And as i write this, i'm thinking 'Why didn't i try harder? Why didn't i start earlier?' But no matter how many times i say this to myself, nothing ever changes. Another example of this is revision. Revision is that thing where teachers/lecturers/parents/whoever always say 'The earlier you start, the better you'll do'. And again, i've had this pushed down my throat throughout GCSEs, A Levels and now at degree level. But do i listen? Like hell i do! Instead, my mind thinks it's acceptable to wait until maybe a week before the exam, before it starts to panic and think 'Oh shit, i don't actually know anything about this exam. In fact, i don't even know what subject i'm being examined on.' I tell myself every year that i'll do better this year and revise earlier, do my deadlines ahead of schedule. But every year, for an unknown reason, i ignore my own advice. And now, with this being my final (for the moment) year of education i look back and think 'Wow i really should have listened to myself.' There's still time for me to begin revising now, several weeks in advance. And despite the two exams i have being my finals, and despite the fact that i need a 2:1 in order to follow the career i want, i can guarantee that revision won't begin for at least another week or so. I think i'm what's known as a HOPELESS CASE.

'Cause you know that you're toxic

Firstly, yes i have used a Britney Spears lyric for the title of this post. I am that cool….! Secondly, i am going to warn anyone who is about to read this, this is very much a rant and is not for the faint hearted. I can't guarantee how many times i will use swear words, I will try to refrain but you never know. For those of you who are close to me, you will know exactly the situation i am talking about, but i won't be using names or specific references to my own life (well i'll try not to). This is a rant about friendships, about being able to stand up for yourself, and about how certain relationships can be extremely toxic (hence the rather embarrassing use of Britney as a title)
For a lot of my life, i have let people walk all over me. I have let them manipulate me into doing things that i wouldn't necessarily have done on my own. I have always had the principle of 'I will be happy if everyone else is happy.' Of course, you can't live a healthy life with this as your mantra, but when i was younger, this is how i felt. (To a certain extent, i still think this way but i'm getting better at putting myself first) And certain people in my life have used this against me. Now, whether they did this knowingly or whether they just subconsciously took advantage of the fact that i was very submissive, i don't - and probably will never - know. Going to university changed me a lot. And i think i changed for the better (although i know some people don't see it this way). University made me realise that people can like you for being you, that you don't have to please everyone in order to make friends. It gave me confidence in myself and my ability to socialise. With the 'friends' i had during my school years, this was a new concept to me. I now had the ability to say 'no' if i didn't want to do something, i wasn't afraid to speak my mind and stand up for myself. Of course, when you have spent your life consciously (or subconsciously) manipulating someone, if they suddenly turn around and say "No i don't want to go out tonight", it can come as a complete shock. It can also come as shock when you turn around and tell that person some home truths. Friendship is a two-way street, they don't work when they are one-sided. A true friend should embrace change, should be happy for their friend when life goes in their favour, they should support their friend through life changes. And in return, you do the same for them. Friendship doesn't have to involve face-to-face meetings, I have several 'online' friends who i have never met in person but i know i can count on them if i needed them. And i hope that they know they can count on me if needed. They should also understand that everyone has a right to stand up for themselves and speak their mind. Of course, this is a bit of a grey area but by this i mean that friends argue. Arguments are a natural part of any relationship, it doesn't mean that that person never wants to speak to you again. We all get angry, and a lot of the time, this anger gets taken out on those who are closest to us. For instance, when i am angry i often take it out on my mum, even though she has done nothing wrong (terrible i know, i do always apologise once i've calmed down). However, recently i have discovered that some people do not see friendship in this way. They can't be happy for me because i now have a new and exciting life at university and they can't understand why i don't have time to go out everyday as i have work to do. (I should be doing work now rather than ranting but never mind). And because of this, i have recently lost someone very close to me. And the worst part is, i can't feel guilty about it because i know that our relationship was extremely toxic and unhealthy for both of us. Perhaps it is just a fact of growing up. People change and move on and start new lives. Maybe that is just what has happened to us, I don't know. All i know is that i can't feel bad about losing a friendship that was making me unhappy. This probably makes me very selfish and a bad person, but as i said, you can't live life pleasing everybody. Occasionally you have to put yourself first, above others, and do what is best for you. Rant over. 

Introducing me

So here goes, my first ever blog. I decided it was time for me to have a place where i can write down all my thoughts, feelings and life events. It doesn’t matter if i don’t ever have any followers, this is more for my own sanity than anyone else’s enjoyment.  Anyway, a bit about me, not that you probably care, but hey, it’s always good to start with an introduction. I’m 21, i live in the UK in Norfolk. I’m in my final year at uni, about to graduate with a Psychology degree (that is, if i pass my finals), and hope to one day be a Clinical Psychologist. I love elephants. And vampires. And werewolves. In fact, i love fantasy in general (including, i am ashamed to admit, Twilight…but shhh, you didn’t hear that from me…) I am a bit of a Harry Potter nerd, actually i’m just a bit of a nerd in general! Stephen Fry is my hero, i think he is a truly great inspiration to all. I hate sports, playing or watching them. Although i recently discovered that i do like ice hockey and get very into the game. I have suffered from depression, in various degrees of severity, for the past 6 years. I’ve not let it hold me back, although life can feel impossible on some days. I’m hoping this blog will help me unload anything that i’m feeling, good and bad, and provide a nice relief. So i’ll apologise ahead of time in case things get a bit heavy (i’ll try not to!) 

So there you go, that’s me in a nutshell. Although no one will probably read this so i’m basically talking to myself…. Not sure if that makes me crazier than i already am. Oh well…!