It's Done

A word of warning, this is a bit of a soppy post but i'm in a soppy mood! 

'I have finished my degree' - these are words that, at times, i didn't think i'd ever be able to say. Last year was a particularly bad year for me and i was very close to giving up and dropping out of uni. I had no want or desire to go to any lectures, i had lost all interest in my course, and i had no motivation to do any of the work. But, after a few pep talks from my friends and family, i pushed through and made it to 3rd year. And this year has been one of the most brilliant years of my life. I have made some beautiful, kind, generous, funny, and down right amazing friends on my course and at uni in general. My confidence in myself has grown and despite everything, i've made it to the end of my degree. I feel proud that i can say that, although it doesn't quite feel real at the moment. Completing university is a massive achievement for everyone and anyone, but i think when you are dealing with mental health issues as well, it is an even bigger achievement. So to all of you out there who have finished your degree whilst suffering from a mental health issue, i just want to say "Congratulations!!" We did it! We made it through all the crap that is in our minds, constantly telling us that we are not good enough. And at times, we may have wanted to give up, but we didn't. For that, we should be proud. 

My 3 years at university have been filled with ups and downs, laughs and tears. But i just want to say a massive 'Thank you' to all of my friends who have stuck by me despite my crazies. You have no idea how much you all mean to me, I wouldn't have made it through everything if i hadn't had you. You all know who you are, so i won't write a whole list of names. But it is thanks to you that my confidence in myself has grown. You have been my rocks, my shoulders to cry on, and you have always been there when i need a cuddle (even those of you who don't like cuddles!). For those of you who i met this year, i only wish we had met sooner! But i am sure we will have plenty of time together after uni. So thank you, for making the past 3 years the best of my life! 

There was a time that i very nearly didn't come to uni. I was too afraid to leave home, too anxious about meeting new people. I didn't think i'd be able to cope being so far from home and my friends and family. But i decided to go anyway. And i am so unbelievably happy that i did. If i hadn't of come to uni, i would still be stuck at home, moping about doing some boring job. And whilst i will be moping about doing some boring job after uni, i will be doing it in my own flat with one of my best friends. And that makes me happier than you can even imagine. If i hadn't of come to uni, i would never have met the wonderful people that i know now, nor would i have grown into a confident, independent young woman (wow, sounds weird referring to myself as a woman, but i kind of feel like i am one now….Maybe..!) Hindsight is a wonderful thing but if i could rewind the clocks, i wouldn't change a thing (well maybe a couple of things, but mostly i wouldn't!)

So here's to you, my amazingly awesome, supermegafoxyawesomehot (this is a Starkid reference…my inner nerd coming out a bit!) friends. Without you i wouldn't have made it this far and for that i am, and will always be, unbelievably grateful. I love you all and wish you all the best of luck for the future, a future that will hopefully involve all of us staying in contact for a long, long time!!

(Sorry that this is a ridiculously soppy post!)

My life is a nightmare [TRIGGER WARNING]

A fair warning, this post may be (who am i kidding, it is) a bit of a downer, i'm not in the best of moods at the moment, maybe it's because i answered a question on self harm and suicide in prisons this morning, I'm not sure. I won't be going into a lot of detail, but i will be talking about things that some people will be uncomfortable reading. Please stop now if you are, i don't want to upset anyone, i just feel like it's time to talk about it.
I haven't really gone into too much detail of my experience with depression, some aspects are pretty personal (and i am definitely ashamed of some bits as well) but as i'm feeling down at the minute i thought maybe writing about it would help me. Depression is a horrible, tiring, frustrating, down right annoying thing. It lurks in the corner of your mind like a shadow, waiting to spring out and attack you with thoughts and feelings that aren't pleasant. I had my first exam today and i can't bring myself to feel good about the fact that i've got this far. It's an achievement, i know that, but it can be so hard to see yourself in a positive light. It's silly, i know, but i feel as if i'm going to fail at everything. I keep jumping the hurdles that life throws at me but at times, all i want to do is get swept away with the tide. I can't though, i know that, but it doesn't stop me from feeling like that. Some people use their depression or mental illness as an excuse. And i know we all cope in different ways, but it does annoy me when i see people wallowing and just letting their mental illness control their life. I try so hard everyday to fight against mine. And do you know what? It's bloody exhausting! When you know you have a deadline or revision to do or even going out for a meal with friends, they can seem like the hardest of things. You just want to crawl into bed,  pull the duvet over your head and sleep until it's all over. But you can't, you have to get up and you have to get on with it. This is a battle i face nearly everyday. Some days are worse than others, some days i wake up and nothing can stop me. But a lot of the time, i feel as if i have no energy. The simplest of tasks seem to sap every last ounce of strength i have. I think people who have never experienced depression don't realise how tiring it is to constantly fight your own body, to constantly ignore the bad thoughts. And i think it's hard to understand that whilst everyone feels stressed during a deadline or exam, imagine how hard it can be for people like me. When all you can think is 'I'm a failure, what's the point?' And it doesn't matter how many times people tell you that you aren't, it doesn't stop you thinking that way. Sometimes it doesn't even matter if you have the physical proof that you are doing well.
Maybe i should explain my title a bit better. I said this in passing as a joke to one of my friends at uni the other day. But the more i think of it, the more it seems true. Yes there are good days, and i'm pleased to say that i normally have more good days than bad days. But can you imagine having to constantly battle against yourself? To constantly ignore all the urges to just give in? When i refer to 'urges' and 'bad thoughts' i mean self harm. My experience of depression began with me self harming when i was 15. At the time i didn't really know what was going on, i didn't realise that i was suffering from a mental illness. It just became a way for me to cope with how i was feeling. It became an escape, a place i could go when life seemed too difficult. And after i got help, saw a councillor, and moved on with my life it stopped. But the stresses of uni brought back the feelings and the urges again. I have to admit i have not been on the best of behaviour over my 3 years. But i also haven't been at my worst. It's been 3 months since the last time and i'm proud of that. Self harm is like an addiction; you know that if you do it, you'll only get a temporary relief, but you also know that that relief is like the sun bursting through the clouds on a cloudy day. Sounds romantic, right? Well no, it's not. Because after you've done it, the guilt of what you have done comes flooding back. And then you feel just as bad, if not worse, than you did before. And yet, like an addiction, you go crawling back to it when the going gets tough. I have these urges a lot, in fact i have them a lot more than i've ever been willing to tell anyone (well guess the cat's out of the bag now) but i fight them. And most of the time i win. But it does seem so easy sometimes to just let it happen. I will always have something by my bed or in my drawer, it brings me a strange sort of comfort to know that it's there if i need it. Don't worry, as i said, it's been 3 months and just because i'm writing this doesn't mean i feel like doing anything. I've become pretty good at ignoring it and i turn to other things to distract me (namely food - i am a MASSIVE comfort eater). Sometimes just watching a sad film and having a good old cry will sort it out. But the urges are still there, just subdued for the moment.
Depression can feel like there is a weight on your chest, pushing you down and stopping you from rising. Your limbs can feel tired and achy (kind of like when you have the flu but on a regular basis). And whilst you know that getting up and going outside for some fresh air, or sitting in the living room with your friends will help, sometimes it's easier just to roll over and hide away. It's silly really because you feel isolated when you are depressed but at the same time you isolate yourself. Sometimes you feel like you want to be alone but a lot of the time you don't want to be a burden on your friends. I don't want to be that person who sits in the corner of the room sulking and waiting for someone to ask me what's wrong. Or the person who shuffles around the house, silently waiting for someone to come to them. You become your own worst enemy, feeling lonely but staying alone or feeling down but not finding someone to talk to. And so you shut your door and keep your miserable self to yourself. But sometimes, in a moment of clarity, you realise that it's not all bad, that there are people who love you, that you aren't the hideous monster you perceive yourself to be. Sometimes you can wake up and think 'Yep, i've got this! Bring it on!' You can look in the mirror and think you look pretty or find yourself free of the weight and full of energy. Only to wake up the next day, back to exactly how you were before, the weight on your chest, the urges back, and another day to battle the seemingly never-ending battle. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why my life is a nightmare!
(Sorry for the depressing tone)

The yo-yo of my moods

As National Depression Awareness Week draws to an end, i figured i'd write a post about my depression and the way in which my mood can switch in a matter of minutes.
So as i have mentioned before, i suffer from depression and have done on and off for a while now. When you have depression, you never know when (or if) you'll have a 'good day'. Now everyone experiences things in a different way and whilst i know everyone has good days and bad days, with depression you never know when you will have either. On a bad day, you can feel like the world is closing in around you and there is no escape. But on a good day, you can feel on top of the world for no reason whatsoever. Obviously you don't have to have a reason to feel good, or bad for that matter, but when good days do come about they are a relief, an oasis in what can seem at times as the never ending sea of darkness. Wow, that was a very melodramatic way of putting it but at times it can feel that you are constantly wading against the tide. My mood, as i'm sure many people who have mental health issues (actually probably most people in general), can change in an instance. Today is a brilliant example of that and is one of the reasons why i am writing this post. I have 2 exams coming up which are my finals so are very important. I woke up this morning (after a terrible night of insomnia i might add) feeling groggy, tired, with little to no motivation to do anything. I have exactly 10 days until my first exam and i have only just started revision. Now this is causing my anxiety to go through the roof as i am certain that i will fail my exams and not get a good degree and disappoint my parents and never get a decent job (this is the anxiety speaking, i realise that this is an irrational way of thinking but that's one of the many joys of anxiety). I don't think i know anyone who actually enjoys revision,  it is probably the most tedious thing to do in the world, especially when you are not very interested in the topic that you are revising. Revision is a necessary evil of the studious life. It is something that must be done in order to complete an exam that counts for a minimal amount of your overall degree. I'm not a massive fan of exams either, i can never quite understand how they are useful at testing what you know. This may just be me as i am a 'crammer' and do everything last minute. And so, i shove all of this information into my brain to complete a 2-3 hour exam, only to then forget all of it after i've finished. How this is useful to me in my future career, i don't really know. Motivation to do revision is another ball game entirely, especially when you have depression. Sometimes just having the motivation to get out of bed can be extremely difficult. (Here lies my contradictory nature as my depression cannot be bothered to anything and my anxiety panics about me not doing anything, and i end up somewhere in the middle not really able to do anything) I understand that everyone has issues with motivation, it is an entirely normal thing. But what i think people don't understand is that when you suffer from depression, motivation becomes a massive hurdle to overcome every single day. The motivation to get out of bed, to smile, to engage in conversation, to not shut yourself away, these are things that you constantly have to battle. This is extremely tiring, and no, you can't 'just snap out of it'. It doesn't work that way (although i really really wish it did). So being able to drag myself out of bed this morning after having approximately 3 hours sleep was a big challenge (that i completed at about midday, having been awake since 8am). Then having the motivation to actually sit down and start revision was another hurdle to overcome, one that i also completed (although i have clearly given up now….) And as revision went on my mood got worse. It's hard to do revision when all you can think is 'What's the point? Why should i even bother when i won't pass?' But i managed it, and after 3 hours, i decided to stop and do more tomorrow (little and often as they say). And then, just like that, my mood did a complete U-turn. Whether this was because i knew i wouldn't have to do any revision until tomorrow, i don't know. But now, i'm sitting here grinning like an idiot, singing along to songs, feeling genuinely good. Unfortunately, as is the nature of depression and many mental health disorders, i know that this mood will not last. What annoys me is that i have no idea how long my good mood will last or how badly my mood will drop when it inevitably does. Of course, no one can be happy forever, that is impossible. But it must be nice to know that you can keep going and smiling and talking, even if you're mood isn't brilliant, something that depression doesn't always allow you to do. I'm quite lucky as most of the time i can just get on with things, regardless of my mood, but when i am really down, all i want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep forever. I find it hard to see the point in doing anything and whilst i know that speaking to my friends will help me feel better, i tend to ignore that fact and stay in my room. Depression is a constant battle and constantly fighting a battle against your own mind is very tiring, and can seem impossible at times. Depression is an innately selfish thing, it likes you to wallow in self-pity and isolate yourself from those who care about you. But please, please be patient with us. Sometimes we just need a little extra time or a chat or a cuddle and then things won't seem as bad. A text can go an extremely long way for someone who is having a bad day, it is a physical acknowledgement that people do care about you despite how much you think that they don't. So just keep it in mind if you know someone who has depression; sometimes all they need is a hug to know that you are there and that you understand. I'll finish with one of my favourite Winnie the Pooh quotes, a beautiful example of how sometimes all we need is a little reassurance.
“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. "I just wanted to be sure of you.” 

I feel anxious about writing about my anxiety

As you've probably already gathered, this post is all about my experience of anxiety. Now i understand that everyone is different and people experience things in different ways; this is just my own experience of suffering with anxiety. Anxiety comes in lots of different forms and can be triggered by lots of different things; going outside, being in a crowd of people, being the centre of attention. For me, anxiety is a constant nagging in the back of my mind that is permanently there. A lot of the time i'm quite good at ignoring it; I'm aware that it's there but i don't let it affect my day-to-day life. This can be an extremely difficult thing for a lot of people and i am grateful that for the majority of the time i am able to get on with my life. I think people who do not suffer from anxiety issues find it quite hard to understand why, for example, leaving your room may be difficult at times. As with most things in life, if you haven't experienced them yourself or know someone who has, it can be hard to understand. As the Mental Health Awareness Week's theme this year is anxiety, i figured i'd write a post about it. Anxiety is a funny thing as you are aware that what you are thinking is irrational and yet you can't help but think that way. For example, my dad is a pilot and every time he goes to work i think 'What if the plane crashes?' Now this is an irrational thought as statistically flying is the safest form of travel. I know that this is irrational, i know that the chances of anything happening to him are slim, but the thought is still there. 'What-iffing' is one of my anxiety's favourite things to do. I am constantly thinking about things that may or may not happen, despite how irrational they may seem. 'What if i get run over on my way to uni?' 'What if Mum crashes the car on her way to work?' 'What if I fail uni and then never get a job?' 'What if a member of my family suddenly dies?' The list goes on and on and consists of many different things, some more understandable than others. Another one i am particularly good at is mind reading; this is where you think you know what everyone is thinking (even though it's quite clearly impossible to know what someone is thinking). Every time i walk into uni, i think that everyone is looking at me and judging me or judging what i'm wearing. If i am having a bad day, this can (and has) stopped me from going into uni. And it's strange because i know that no one really cares about how i look or what i'm wearing, and even if they do, so what? As one of my councillors once said to me "You're not Madonna so why would they be looking at you?" And this is very true but it doesn't stop me thinking it. And it doesn't stop the tingling i get in my palms when i feel anxious (that i have right now as i'm writing this, hence the title). Another favourite, which is linked closely to 'what-iffing' is my ability to fortune tell. This is where i think i know exactly what is going to happen and, in most cases, it is often the worst case scenario. An example of this was when my granny told me that she had breast cancer. I immediately jumped to the worst case scenario that she would never get better and i would never see her again. I knew that they had caught it early and that she was starting treatment soon, and i even knew that the rates of beating breast cancer are extremely high these days. However, all i could do was begin fortune telling; creating the worst possible scenario in my head where she would die. Needless to say, my granny is fit and healthy, they removed the lump and there are no signs of the cancer anywhere else. Now perhaps this case is slightly more understandable than others, but none of the rest of my family panicked as i did. They all knew that as it had been caught so early, she was going to be fine. It is situations like these where people who suffer from anxiety are vulnerable and perhaps need more support than those who do not. Everyone gets anxious at times, whether it's because you are about to take exams or have a job interview or a dentist's appointment. However, imagine how it must feel like for you to constantly have that feeling of anxiety, the 'butterflies in your stomach', sweaty palms, nervousness you feel. For those of us who live with anxiety, that is what it is like. And at times, it can be extremely tiring and frustrating. We are well aware of the fact that how we are thinking is irrational, and yet, there is nothing we can do to stop it (I say 'nothing', of course there are lots of treatment methods but it takes a certain amount of courage in order to seek help and a lot of the time people don't and struggle through it) I've just realised that i sound a bit preachy at the end, sorry for that, but i do feel quite strongly about raising awareness for mental health as i think a lot of people don't understand. And i think it is hard for you to realise that some people can't 'just get over it' or 'stop thinking about it'. Hopefully, during Mental Health Awareness Week (May 12th-18th) this will change. Now, excuse me as i hit 'publish' before hiding under my duvet for the rest of the day!

The hopeless case

Another rant-ish post, although this is more directed at myself than at anyone in particular. As i mentioned before, I'm in my final year at uni. This means that the deadlines i have this year are extremely important compared to ones i've had in the past. Of course, you always try your best because all deadlines are important and doing the bare minimum is not how you move forward in life….(if i was Pinocchio, my nose would be 10 feet long after saying that…but shhhh..) Anyway, Thursday is my deadline for my dissertation (or 'Research Project' as it's called in Psychology, don't ask me why, i have no idea. I think they told us at the start of the year, but hey, that was like 8 months ago) Now i am one of those people who find it very difficult to do any work ahead of schedule. I also follow the thought of 'Minimum input, maximum output'. I find it physically impossible to begin working on something unless i know i have 2 hours until it needs to be handed in. Ok, that's an exaggeration but you know what i mean. If an essay is due in for March 21st, you can guarantee that i won't begin working on it until March 19th (or sometimes even March 20th at 11pm). Now over my many years of education, you'd think that i would have learnt from this and realised that it's not a great idea to leave things to the last minute. Especially when they are important, like getting the right grades to get into uni. Or in this case, getting a decent degree (which is at least a 2:1 for me otherwise i'm pretty much screwed). But as hard as i try and no matter how many good intentions i have, i can never seem to do it. Don't get me wrong, i have nearly finished my dissertation (nearly being the key word). And even if i have nearly finished it, it's probably not to the 'best of my abilities' as they always say you should do. And as i write this, i'm thinking 'Why didn't i try harder? Why didn't i start earlier?' But no matter how many times i say this to myself, nothing ever changes. Another example of this is revision. Revision is that thing where teachers/lecturers/parents/whoever always say 'The earlier you start, the better you'll do'. And again, i've had this pushed down my throat throughout GCSEs, A Levels and now at degree level. But do i listen? Like hell i do! Instead, my mind thinks it's acceptable to wait until maybe a week before the exam, before it starts to panic and think 'Oh shit, i don't actually know anything about this exam. In fact, i don't even know what subject i'm being examined on.' I tell myself every year that i'll do better this year and revise earlier, do my deadlines ahead of schedule. But every year, for an unknown reason, i ignore my own advice. And now, with this being my final (for the moment) year of education i look back and think 'Wow i really should have listened to myself.' There's still time for me to begin revising now, several weeks in advance. And despite the two exams i have being my finals, and despite the fact that i need a 2:1 in order to follow the career i want, i can guarantee that revision won't begin for at least another week or so. I think i'm what's known as a HOPELESS CASE.

'Cause you know that you're toxic

Firstly, yes i have used a Britney Spears lyric for the title of this post. I am that cool….! Secondly, i am going to warn anyone who is about to read this, this is very much a rant and is not for the faint hearted. I can't guarantee how many times i will use swear words, I will try to refrain but you never know. For those of you who are close to me, you will know exactly the situation i am talking about, but i won't be using names or specific references to my own life (well i'll try not to). This is a rant about friendships, about being able to stand up for yourself, and about how certain relationships can be extremely toxic (hence the rather embarrassing use of Britney as a title)
For a lot of my life, i have let people walk all over me. I have let them manipulate me into doing things that i wouldn't necessarily have done on my own. I have always had the principle of 'I will be happy if everyone else is happy.' Of course, you can't live a healthy life with this as your mantra, but when i was younger, this is how i felt. (To a certain extent, i still think this way but i'm getting better at putting myself first) And certain people in my life have used this against me. Now, whether they did this knowingly or whether they just subconsciously took advantage of the fact that i was very submissive, i don't - and probably will never - know. Going to university changed me a lot. And i think i changed for the better (although i know some people don't see it this way). University made me realise that people can like you for being you, that you don't have to please everyone in order to make friends. It gave me confidence in myself and my ability to socialise. With the 'friends' i had during my school years, this was a new concept to me. I now had the ability to say 'no' if i didn't want to do something, i wasn't afraid to speak my mind and stand up for myself. Of course, when you have spent your life consciously (or subconsciously) manipulating someone, if they suddenly turn around and say "No i don't want to go out tonight", it can come as a complete shock. It can also come as shock when you turn around and tell that person some home truths. Friendship is a two-way street, they don't work when they are one-sided. A true friend should embrace change, should be happy for their friend when life goes in their favour, they should support their friend through life changes. And in return, you do the same for them. Friendship doesn't have to involve face-to-face meetings, I have several 'online' friends who i have never met in person but i know i can count on them if i needed them. And i hope that they know they can count on me if needed. They should also understand that everyone has a right to stand up for themselves and speak their mind. Of course, this is a bit of a grey area but by this i mean that friends argue. Arguments are a natural part of any relationship, it doesn't mean that that person never wants to speak to you again. We all get angry, and a lot of the time, this anger gets taken out on those who are closest to us. For instance, when i am angry i often take it out on my mum, even though she has done nothing wrong (terrible i know, i do always apologise once i've calmed down). However, recently i have discovered that some people do not see friendship in this way. They can't be happy for me because i now have a new and exciting life at university and they can't understand why i don't have time to go out everyday as i have work to do. (I should be doing work now rather than ranting but never mind). And because of this, i have recently lost someone very close to me. And the worst part is, i can't feel guilty about it because i know that our relationship was extremely toxic and unhealthy for both of us. Perhaps it is just a fact of growing up. People change and move on and start new lives. Maybe that is just what has happened to us, I don't know. All i know is that i can't feel bad about losing a friendship that was making me unhappy. This probably makes me very selfish and a bad person, but as i said, you can't live life pleasing everybody. Occasionally you have to put yourself first, above others, and do what is best for you. Rant over. 

Introducing me

So here goes, my first ever blog. I decided it was time for me to have a place where i can write down all my thoughts, feelings and life events. It doesn’t matter if i don’t ever have any followers, this is more for my own sanity than anyone else’s enjoyment.  Anyway, a bit about me, not that you probably care, but hey, it’s always good to start with an introduction. I’m 21, i live in the UK in Norfolk. I’m in my final year at uni, about to graduate with a Psychology degree (that is, if i pass my finals), and hope to one day be a Clinical Psychologist. I love elephants. And vampires. And werewolves. In fact, i love fantasy in general (including, i am ashamed to admit, Twilight…but shhh, you didn’t hear that from me…) I am a bit of a Harry Potter nerd, actually i’m just a bit of a nerd in general! Stephen Fry is my hero, i think he is a truly great inspiration to all. I hate sports, playing or watching them. Although i recently discovered that i do like ice hockey and get very into the game. I have suffered from depression, in various degrees of severity, for the past 6 years. I’ve not let it hold me back, although life can feel impossible on some days. I’m hoping this blog will help me unload anything that i’m feeling, good and bad, and provide a nice relief. So i’ll apologise ahead of time in case things get a bit heavy (i’ll try not to!) 

So there you go, that’s me in a nutshell. Although no one will probably read this so i’m basically talking to myself…. Not sure if that makes me crazier than i already am. Oh well…!