It's Done

A word of warning, this is a bit of a soppy post but i'm in a soppy mood! 

'I have finished my degree' - these are words that, at times, i didn't think i'd ever be able to say. Last year was a particularly bad year for me and i was very close to giving up and dropping out of uni. I had no want or desire to go to any lectures, i had lost all interest in my course, and i had no motivation to do any of the work. But, after a few pep talks from my friends and family, i pushed through and made it to 3rd year. And this year has been one of the most brilliant years of my life. I have made some beautiful, kind, generous, funny, and down right amazing friends on my course and at uni in general. My confidence in myself has grown and despite everything, i've made it to the end of my degree. I feel proud that i can say that, although it doesn't quite feel real at the moment. Completing university is a massive achievement for everyone and anyone, but i think when you are dealing with mental health issues as well, it is an even bigger achievement. So to all of you out there who have finished your degree whilst suffering from a mental health issue, i just want to say "Congratulations!!" We did it! We made it through all the crap that is in our minds, constantly telling us that we are not good enough. And at times, we may have wanted to give up, but we didn't. For that, we should be proud. 

My 3 years at university have been filled with ups and downs, laughs and tears. But i just want to say a massive 'Thank you' to all of my friends who have stuck by me despite my crazies. You have no idea how much you all mean to me, I wouldn't have made it through everything if i hadn't had you. You all know who you are, so i won't write a whole list of names. But it is thanks to you that my confidence in myself has grown. You have been my rocks, my shoulders to cry on, and you have always been there when i need a cuddle (even those of you who don't like cuddles!). For those of you who i met this year, i only wish we had met sooner! But i am sure we will have plenty of time together after uni. So thank you, for making the past 3 years the best of my life! 

There was a time that i very nearly didn't come to uni. I was too afraid to leave home, too anxious about meeting new people. I didn't think i'd be able to cope being so far from home and my friends and family. But i decided to go anyway. And i am so unbelievably happy that i did. If i hadn't of come to uni, i would still be stuck at home, moping about doing some boring job. And whilst i will be moping about doing some boring job after uni, i will be doing it in my own flat with one of my best friends. And that makes me happier than you can even imagine. If i hadn't of come to uni, i would never have met the wonderful people that i know now, nor would i have grown into a confident, independent young woman (wow, sounds weird referring to myself as a woman, but i kind of feel like i am one now….Maybe..!) Hindsight is a wonderful thing but if i could rewind the clocks, i wouldn't change a thing (well maybe a couple of things, but mostly i wouldn't!)

So here's to you, my amazingly awesome, supermegafoxyawesomehot (this is a Starkid reference…my inner nerd coming out a bit!) friends. Without you i wouldn't have made it this far and for that i am, and will always be, unbelievably grateful. I love you all and wish you all the best of luck for the future, a future that will hopefully involve all of us staying in contact for a long, long time!!

(Sorry that this is a ridiculously soppy post!)

My life is a nightmare [TRIGGER WARNING]

A fair warning, this post may be (who am i kidding, it is) a bit of a downer, i'm not in the best of moods at the moment, maybe it's because i answered a question on self harm and suicide in prisons this morning, I'm not sure. I won't be going into a lot of detail, but i will be talking about things that some people will be uncomfortable reading. Please stop now if you are, i don't want to upset anyone, i just feel like it's time to talk about it.
I haven't really gone into too much detail of my experience with depression, some aspects are pretty personal (and i am definitely ashamed of some bits as well) but as i'm feeling down at the minute i thought maybe writing about it would help me. Depression is a horrible, tiring, frustrating, down right annoying thing. It lurks in the corner of your mind like a shadow, waiting to spring out and attack you with thoughts and feelings that aren't pleasant. I had my first exam today and i can't bring myself to feel good about the fact that i've got this far. It's an achievement, i know that, but it can be so hard to see yourself in a positive light. It's silly, i know, but i feel as if i'm going to fail at everything. I keep jumping the hurdles that life throws at me but at times, all i want to do is get swept away with the tide. I can't though, i know that, but it doesn't stop me from feeling like that. Some people use their depression or mental illness as an excuse. And i know we all cope in different ways, but it does annoy me when i see people wallowing and just letting their mental illness control their life. I try so hard everyday to fight against mine. And do you know what? It's bloody exhausting! When you know you have a deadline or revision to do or even going out for a meal with friends, they can seem like the hardest of things. You just want to crawl into bed,  pull the duvet over your head and sleep until it's all over. But you can't, you have to get up and you have to get on with it. This is a battle i face nearly everyday. Some days are worse than others, some days i wake up and nothing can stop me. But a lot of the time, i feel as if i have no energy. The simplest of tasks seem to sap every last ounce of strength i have. I think people who have never experienced depression don't realise how tiring it is to constantly fight your own body, to constantly ignore the bad thoughts. And i think it's hard to understand that whilst everyone feels stressed during a deadline or exam, imagine how hard it can be for people like me. When all you can think is 'I'm a failure, what's the point?' And it doesn't matter how many times people tell you that you aren't, it doesn't stop you thinking that way. Sometimes it doesn't even matter if you have the physical proof that you are doing well.
Maybe i should explain my title a bit better. I said this in passing as a joke to one of my friends at uni the other day. But the more i think of it, the more it seems true. Yes there are good days, and i'm pleased to say that i normally have more good days than bad days. But can you imagine having to constantly battle against yourself? To constantly ignore all the urges to just give in? When i refer to 'urges' and 'bad thoughts' i mean self harm. My experience of depression began with me self harming when i was 15. At the time i didn't really know what was going on, i didn't realise that i was suffering from a mental illness. It just became a way for me to cope with how i was feeling. It became an escape, a place i could go when life seemed too difficult. And after i got help, saw a councillor, and moved on with my life it stopped. But the stresses of uni brought back the feelings and the urges again. I have to admit i have not been on the best of behaviour over my 3 years. But i also haven't been at my worst. It's been 3 months since the last time and i'm proud of that. Self harm is like an addiction; you know that if you do it, you'll only get a temporary relief, but you also know that that relief is like the sun bursting through the clouds on a cloudy day. Sounds romantic, right? Well no, it's not. Because after you've done it, the guilt of what you have done comes flooding back. And then you feel just as bad, if not worse, than you did before. And yet, like an addiction, you go crawling back to it when the going gets tough. I have these urges a lot, in fact i have them a lot more than i've ever been willing to tell anyone (well guess the cat's out of the bag now) but i fight them. And most of the time i win. But it does seem so easy sometimes to just let it happen. I will always have something by my bed or in my drawer, it brings me a strange sort of comfort to know that it's there if i need it. Don't worry, as i said, it's been 3 months and just because i'm writing this doesn't mean i feel like doing anything. I've become pretty good at ignoring it and i turn to other things to distract me (namely food - i am a MASSIVE comfort eater). Sometimes just watching a sad film and having a good old cry will sort it out. But the urges are still there, just subdued for the moment.
Depression can feel like there is a weight on your chest, pushing you down and stopping you from rising. Your limbs can feel tired and achy (kind of like when you have the flu but on a regular basis). And whilst you know that getting up and going outside for some fresh air, or sitting in the living room with your friends will help, sometimes it's easier just to roll over and hide away. It's silly really because you feel isolated when you are depressed but at the same time you isolate yourself. Sometimes you feel like you want to be alone but a lot of the time you don't want to be a burden on your friends. I don't want to be that person who sits in the corner of the room sulking and waiting for someone to ask me what's wrong. Or the person who shuffles around the house, silently waiting for someone to come to them. You become your own worst enemy, feeling lonely but staying alone or feeling down but not finding someone to talk to. And so you shut your door and keep your miserable self to yourself. But sometimes, in a moment of clarity, you realise that it's not all bad, that there are people who love you, that you aren't the hideous monster you perceive yourself to be. Sometimes you can wake up and think 'Yep, i've got this! Bring it on!' You can look in the mirror and think you look pretty or find yourself free of the weight and full of energy. Only to wake up the next day, back to exactly how you were before, the weight on your chest, the urges back, and another day to battle the seemingly never-ending battle. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why my life is a nightmare!
(Sorry for the depressing tone)

The yo-yo of my moods

As National Depression Awareness Week draws to an end, i figured i'd write a post about my depression and the way in which my mood can switch in a matter of minutes.
So as i have mentioned before, i suffer from depression and have done on and off for a while now. When you have depression, you never know when (or if) you'll have a 'good day'. Now everyone experiences things in a different way and whilst i know everyone has good days and bad days, with depression you never know when you will have either. On a bad day, you can feel like the world is closing in around you and there is no escape. But on a good day, you can feel on top of the world for no reason whatsoever. Obviously you don't have to have a reason to feel good, or bad for that matter, but when good days do come about they are a relief, an oasis in what can seem at times as the never ending sea of darkness. Wow, that was a very melodramatic way of putting it but at times it can feel that you are constantly wading against the tide. My mood, as i'm sure many people who have mental health issues (actually probably most people in general), can change in an instance. Today is a brilliant example of that and is one of the reasons why i am writing this post. I have 2 exams coming up which are my finals so are very important. I woke up this morning (after a terrible night of insomnia i might add) feeling groggy, tired, with little to no motivation to do anything. I have exactly 10 days until my first exam and i have only just started revision. Now this is causing my anxiety to go through the roof as i am certain that i will fail my exams and not get a good degree and disappoint my parents and never get a decent job (this is the anxiety speaking, i realise that this is an irrational way of thinking but that's one of the many joys of anxiety). I don't think i know anyone who actually enjoys revision,  it is probably the most tedious thing to do in the world, especially when you are not very interested in the topic that you are revising. Revision is a necessary evil of the studious life. It is something that must be done in order to complete an exam that counts for a minimal amount of your overall degree. I'm not a massive fan of exams either, i can never quite understand how they are useful at testing what you know. This may just be me as i am a 'crammer' and do everything last minute. And so, i shove all of this information into my brain to complete a 2-3 hour exam, only to then forget all of it after i've finished. How this is useful to me in my future career, i don't really know. Motivation to do revision is another ball game entirely, especially when you have depression. Sometimes just having the motivation to get out of bed can be extremely difficult. (Here lies my contradictory nature as my depression cannot be bothered to anything and my anxiety panics about me not doing anything, and i end up somewhere in the middle not really able to do anything) I understand that everyone has issues with motivation, it is an entirely normal thing. But what i think people don't understand is that when you suffer from depression, motivation becomes a massive hurdle to overcome every single day. The motivation to get out of bed, to smile, to engage in conversation, to not shut yourself away, these are things that you constantly have to battle. This is extremely tiring, and no, you can't 'just snap out of it'. It doesn't work that way (although i really really wish it did). So being able to drag myself out of bed this morning after having approximately 3 hours sleep was a big challenge (that i completed at about midday, having been awake since 8am). Then having the motivation to actually sit down and start revision was another hurdle to overcome, one that i also completed (although i have clearly given up now….) And as revision went on my mood got worse. It's hard to do revision when all you can think is 'What's the point? Why should i even bother when i won't pass?' But i managed it, and after 3 hours, i decided to stop and do more tomorrow (little and often as they say). And then, just like that, my mood did a complete U-turn. Whether this was because i knew i wouldn't have to do any revision until tomorrow, i don't know. But now, i'm sitting here grinning like an idiot, singing along to songs, feeling genuinely good. Unfortunately, as is the nature of depression and many mental health disorders, i know that this mood will not last. What annoys me is that i have no idea how long my good mood will last or how badly my mood will drop when it inevitably does. Of course, no one can be happy forever, that is impossible. But it must be nice to know that you can keep going and smiling and talking, even if you're mood isn't brilliant, something that depression doesn't always allow you to do. I'm quite lucky as most of the time i can just get on with things, regardless of my mood, but when i am really down, all i want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep forever. I find it hard to see the point in doing anything and whilst i know that speaking to my friends will help me feel better, i tend to ignore that fact and stay in my room. Depression is a constant battle and constantly fighting a battle against your own mind is very tiring, and can seem impossible at times. Depression is an innately selfish thing, it likes you to wallow in self-pity and isolate yourself from those who care about you. But please, please be patient with us. Sometimes we just need a little extra time or a chat or a cuddle and then things won't seem as bad. A text can go an extremely long way for someone who is having a bad day, it is a physical acknowledgement that people do care about you despite how much you think that they don't. So just keep it in mind if you know someone who has depression; sometimes all they need is a hug to know that you are there and that you understand. I'll finish with one of my favourite Winnie the Pooh quotes, a beautiful example of how sometimes all we need is a little reassurance.
“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. "I just wanted to be sure of you.”