As National Depression Awareness Week draws to an end, i figured i'd write a post about my depression and the way in which my mood can switch in a matter of minutes.
So as i have mentioned before, i suffer from depression and have done on and off for a while now. When you have depression, you never know when (or if) you'll have a 'good day'. Now everyone experiences things in a different way and whilst i know everyone has good days and bad days, with depression you never know when you will have either. On a bad day, you can feel like the world is closing in around you and there is no escape. But on a good day, you can feel on top of the world for no reason whatsoever. Obviously you don't have to have a reason to feel good, or bad for that matter, but when good days do come about they are a relief, an oasis in what can seem at times as the never ending sea of darkness. Wow, that was a very melodramatic way of putting it but at times it can feel that you are constantly wading against the tide. My mood, as i'm sure many people who have mental health issues (actually probably most people in general), can change in an instance. Today is a brilliant example of that and is one of the reasons why i am writing this post. I have 2 exams coming up which are my finals so are very important. I woke up this morning (after a terrible night of insomnia i might add) feeling groggy, tired, with little to no motivation to do anything. I have exactly 10 days until my first exam and i have only just started revision. Now this is causing my anxiety to go through the roof as i am certain that i will fail my exams and not get a good degree and disappoint my parents and never get a decent job (this is the anxiety speaking, i realise that this is an irrational way of thinking but that's one of the many joys of anxiety). I don't think i know anyone who actually enjoys revision, it is probably the most tedious thing to do in the world, especially when you are not very interested in the topic that you are revising. Revision is a necessary evil of the studious life. It is something that must be done in order to complete an exam that counts for a minimal amount of your overall degree. I'm not a massive fan of exams either, i can never quite understand how they are useful at testing what you know. This may just be me as i am a 'crammer' and do everything last minute. And so, i shove all of this information into my brain to complete a 2-3 hour exam, only to then forget all of it after i've finished. How this is useful to me in my future career, i don't really know. Motivation to do revision is another ball game entirely, especially when you have depression. Sometimes just having the motivation to get out of bed can be extremely difficult. (Here lies my contradictory nature as my depression cannot be bothered to anything and my anxiety panics about me not doing anything, and i end up somewhere in the middle not really able to do anything) I understand that everyone has issues with motivation, it is an entirely normal thing. But what i think people don't understand is that when you suffer from depression, motivation becomes a massive hurdle to overcome every single day. The motivation to get out of bed, to smile, to engage in conversation, to not shut yourself away, these are things that you constantly have to battle. This is extremely tiring, and no, you can't 'just snap out of it'. It doesn't work that way (although i really really wish it did). So being able to drag myself out of bed this morning after having approximately 3 hours sleep was a big challenge (that i completed at about midday, having been awake since 8am). Then having the motivation to actually sit down and start revision was another hurdle to overcome, one that i also completed (although i have clearly given up now….) And as revision went on my mood got worse. It's hard to do revision when all you can think is 'What's the point? Why should i even bother when i won't pass?' But i managed it, and after 3 hours, i decided to stop and do more tomorrow (little and often as they say). And then, just like that, my mood did a complete U-turn. Whether this was because i knew i wouldn't have to do any revision until tomorrow, i don't know. But now, i'm sitting here grinning like an idiot, singing along to songs, feeling genuinely good. Unfortunately, as is the nature of depression and many mental health disorders, i know that this mood will not last. What annoys me is that i have no idea how long my good mood will last or how badly my mood will drop when it inevitably does. Of course, no one can be happy forever, that is impossible. But it must be nice to know that you can keep going and smiling and talking, even if you're mood isn't brilliant, something that depression doesn't always allow you to do. I'm quite lucky as most of the time i can just get on with things, regardless of my mood, but when i am really down, all i want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep forever. I find it hard to see the point in doing anything and whilst i know that speaking to my friends will help me feel better, i tend to ignore that fact and stay in my room. Depression is a constant battle and constantly fighting a battle against your own mind is very tiring, and can seem impossible at times. Depression is an innately selfish thing, it likes you to wallow in self-pity and isolate yourself from those who care about you. But please, please be patient with us. Sometimes we just need a little extra time or a chat or a cuddle and then things won't seem as bad. A text can go an extremely long way for someone who is having a bad day, it is a physical acknowledgement that people do care about you despite how much you think that they don't. So just keep it in mind if you know someone who has depression; sometimes all they need is a hug to know that you are there and that you understand. I'll finish with one of my favourite Winnie the Pooh quotes, a beautiful example of how sometimes all we need is a little reassurance.
“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. "I just wanted to be sure of you.”
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