Going through the motions

Do you ever feel like you are just going through the motions to get through a day? You get up, you eat, you talk when spoken to, but you never really feel connected to it. You don't feel sad or happy, you just feel nothing. Nothing seems to make you feel happy or sad or anything. I don't know whether 'normal' people have days like this, i don't know whether it's just a 'crazy person' thing or whether it is a usual occurrence. Maybe it's because I've finished uni and i don't have anything to do so i don't feel like I have a purpose, i'm not sure, but i've had several days like this recently. I'll get up and do the things that i need to do for that day, but i don't really feel connected to any of it. I'll smile and laugh and talk when it's needed, but inside i feel strangely hollow. Gosh that sounds terribly melodramatic, but it's the only word i can think of to describe how i feel when i have days like this. I don't know whether it would be classed as dissociation or not, but there are definitely times where i lose touch with reality. This is a normal occurrence for everyone, for instance, if you're driving home and you don't quite remember how you got there. The route is so familiar to you that you go through the motions of driving home without thinking about it. This is a very common and mild example of dissociation.

Now this is fine, what's not fine is when you dissociate when you are having a lovely meal with your friends. This happened to me the other day when i went outside for a cigarette. As i came back in, i couldn't tell if what was happening was real or whether i was dreaming. My legs were moving me to the table that we were sat at but it didn't feel real. I didn't feel in control of my body. It happened to me again on Friday. I had a strange sense of deja vu, that this exact scene had happened to me before and just like that, i couldn't tell if it was real or not. It's a rather unnerving thing to happen to you, especially as there are no warnings signs as to whether it's going to happen or not. One minute you are fine and the next, you feel detached from reality. You feel as if you looking at yourself from a distance but at the same time, you know you are in your body. (I don't think that makes any sense but it's all very strange anyway!)

I can only compare it to those dreams you have where you are running but moving too slowly and no matter how hard you try to move faster, you can't because you aren't in control of your limbs. Or those dreams where you feel like you are watching yourself from a distance. Dissociating (or whatever it is that's happening) feels very similar to that, or it does to me anyway. As i've said before, we are all individuals and we all experience things in different ways. Perhaps it's because i don't have a routine anymore and anyone who knows me well, knows how important routines are to me. Perhaps i just need to find more things to do with my free time, i'm not sure. All i know is that this has been happening more frequently than it ever has before. I'm not entirely sure what to do about it which is why i wrote this blog. I thought putting it down into words would help me to make more sense of it, although i still feel confused and like I'm just going through the motions of my life. Who knows, maybe i'm just losing my mind (well losing it even more than i already am!)